This first installment of The Hammer focuses on MTV coming to Wausau to find teen dads. Brought to you by Afghan Entertainment.

In light of United States President Barack Obama being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, the Nobel committee decided on Oct. 13 to award another Nobel Peace Prize to former Atlanta Falcons and current Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Michael Vick.

“Recieving this award really means a lot to me,” Vick said. “I have worked so hard to get where I am right now. I know there will be some people that question the choice of my recieving this amazing award, but I really couldn’t care less what they think. I know that I should get this award, no matter what others think!”

Vick, who served 23 months in prison for his role in a dog fighting ring, was very surprised by this announcement and said that he jumped so high he punched a hole through the ceiling upon hearing the news. Vick has also made his mark this season for Philadelphia, being signed a few weeks before the start of the regular season.

“Michael totally deserves this prestigious Nobel Peace Prize award,” Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank said. “Sure, he had a major role in a dog fighting ring and killed a bunch of innocent dogs by electrocution, hanging, and drowning, but he went to prison for that and has done his time. He is out of prison now and is a much better person. He definitely deserves this award.”

There to witness Vick win the award were Blank, Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie, former teammates Warrick Dunn and Alge Crumpler, as well as current teammates Donovan McNabb and Brian Westbrook. Vick’s family and friends were unable to attend the historic event because they were unable to find anyone to watch their dogs.

“I can tell he has become a better man,” National Football League commissioner Roger Goodell said. “However, I don’t think Michael really deserves a prestigious award such as this. Anyone who was in prison for a period of time doesn’t deserve it. I think this prestigious award is becoming more and more of a joke. Jimmy Carter? Honestly? Well, I guess Vick deserves this Nobel Peace Prize about as much as our current president.”

Vick declined comment on Goodell’s comments. Head coach Andy Reed thinks that perhaps his team was distracted by this news as they lost to the high-powered Oakland Raiders three days after Vick was awarded with the Nobel prize.

Late last week, the world-famous Santa Claus was severely injured in an accident in which he fell off of his roof. His sleigh slid off the roof as well, landing directly on Claus. From his hospital bed at the North Pole Memorial Hospital, Claus announced that Christmas would have to be cancelled this year as there would be no way he would be able to go down everybody’s chimney and because he is still recovering from his injuries.

At approximately 4:22 p.m. on Friday evening, Santa was working on his sleigh when he forgot that it was still attached to the reindeer. Then, the most famous of the reindeer, Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, squatted down to go to the bathroom on Claus’ roof. Just as he did that, the sleigh started sliding. Claus slid down and fell off the roof and the sleigh slipped off the rooftop and came down immediately after Claus did. The sleigh ended up landing directly on his legs.

Claus was brought to the North Pole Memorial Hospital by Mrs. Claus and he is still recovering from the injury. He suffered two broken legs and cuts on his lower stomach from the sharp blades on the sleigh.

“Mr. Claus is in very serious condition,” North Pole Memorial Hospital nurse Lorraine Collins said. “The good news is that he is conscious and is speaking to us. However, we are going to keep him at the hospital for the next few weeks, and all signs point to Mr. Claus not being able to perform his normal tasks for Christmas.”

Upon hearing the news, both parents and children around the world became pretty upset. Many parents wanted to shut their kids up, so they asked why some other guy can’t pretend to be Santa so their kids will stop their crying. One parent asked why one of the random dudes that dresses up as Mall Santas can’t take over for Santa for this year.

“I want Christmas,” a deeply upset 14-year old Timmy Sanderson said. “I don’t know what I am going to do now on Christmas. I am probably going to have to play a bunch of video games and check the lineups of my 37 fantasy football teams to take up the time that I would be spending opening presents. This sucks!”

We will update you on the progress of Claus when more information becomes available.

A group of students were found watching movies in Room 233 of the North Hall building on Dec. 2 at approximately 3:30 A.M. Read the full story

By now everyone knows that the UWMC is getting a new communications building. Yeah, that’s what all the construction is about—mystery solved.

The new building will be housing the new theatre and much of the MC’s theatre department. It will also be the new home of the Wisconsin Institute of Public Policy and Service (WIPPS), Wisconsin Public Radio (WPR), and the Continuing Education department (and not The Forum).

For the past month students have been encouraged to give their ideas for the name of our new communications building. Recently, an anonymous source leaked a few of the names that are being very thoughtfully considered to The Forum. Here is a short list of these names: The Doug Hossler Boom Boom Center, Eminent Domain Theatre, The Stephen Colbert Center, The WIPP it Good Center, The Kyle P. Silvers Memorial Center, Grand Daddy’s Two.

Pick up a copy of our latest issue of The Forum, now available at newsstands around campus! In this issue:

• A special report on UWMC’s undefeated volleyball team
• An intervew with award-winning poet Lowell Jaeger
• Special coverage of Veteran’s Day by Kurt A. Gray
• Campus News and Event Coverage

Grab our print issue or download the electronic version here! We welcome your comments, as always. Please direct letters to editor@uwmcforum.com.

At approximately 8:47 p.m. last Thursday night, new Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre went to a local McDonald’s restaurant in Minneapolis, Minnesota. A Vikings spokesperson confirmed the event took place. Read the full story

A report from CNN finds that current United States president Barack Obama and God are actually the same person.

“I knew it,” director Michael Moore said. “Obama is the greatest president of all time by a long shot. Abraham Lincoln was a loser and Ronald Reagan was a terrible president as well. Obama is so great that if he wasn’t actually God already, he’d actually be better than him. I was not surprised at all once the news came out that Obama and God are the same person. He is the best thing to happen to this country ever!”

There have been questions to whether they were the same person throughout the month, as there were several reports that indicated that he possibly is God, but those reports have now come true with the announcement that came out earlier today.

“CNN is such a reliable source,” civil right activist Al Sharpton said. “I have no doubt in CNN’s findings since they are one of the most reliable and truthful news stations in the world. I knew there is no way that he is just a human being. He is too great for that.”

“I must say,” Obama said. “I was a little bit shocked when I heard the news that I am indeed God, but I wasn’t totally surprised. I know I am the bomb and I definitely know that I am better than everyone else. It is nice to know that this country is in God’s hands!”

We were all waiting for something good to happen to the country, and now that Obama is God, our whole country has turned for the better and he will lead us back to the glory days when we had great democratic presidents like, um, let me get back to you on that one.

“…. A light will shine through that window,” Obama said in Lebanon, New Hampshire on January 7, 2008. “A beam of light will come down upon you, you will experience an epiphany … and you will suddenly realize that you must go to the polls and vote for Obama.” If that doesn’t signal that Obama is indeed God back in January of 2008, I don’t know what does. Just looking at that quote, he is giving us not-so-subtle quotes that he is indeed God. I think that he even though he says that he did not know that he was God, there is some way he knew that he was.

More information will be given on this once it becomes available.