Published in Volume 48, Issue 5.
Dear Words of Wisdom, March Madness is again knocking at my door. This year, however, the NCAA has joined forces not only with CBS, but also with Turner Networks to bring “unprecedented” coverage to the basketball tournament. In light of these developments, what advice can you give to non-subscribers of cable and/or satellite television? — Worried in Wausau
Hey there, Worried. Thanks for the question – I think I can help. March Madness is a wonderful three weeks of fantastic sport and revelry, and to miss it would be a shame, so I’ve got an easy plan to get you on your way to enjoying the NCAA tournament.
My first suggestion is to find a friend with cable and just go to his or her house and watch there. Given the tenor of your message, however, I fear that you don’t have friends. If this is the case, you must make some. It’s not that hard really. You must be nice and open and talk to people and pull your head from the computer screen or hands from the game controllers. Just get out there into the world, Worried, and grab it by the short ones and get yourself a posse. If that’s not possible, or you just don’t feel like doing it, we’ll move on to Plan B.
As I’m sure you’re aware, there are local establishments devoted almost entirely to showing sporting events on multiple televisions and serving food and drink. Go to one of these. Some say that if you were dropped off in a random spot in Wausau, you wouldn’t have to walk for more than five minutes before you came to a tavern. If you decide to go down this road, there are some things you should know before setting out.
If you go to a watering hole and/or restaurant to watch the games, you’ll need to buy some things while there. You can’t sit in a place for hours just to watch TV. Buy a beer (if you’re 21) and some curds and settle in. Then fifteen minutes later, buy another beer (or cherry coke or ginger ale or whatever you’re drinking), and after a couple hours, try the pizza fries. Not only will you fill your belly with Wisconsin goodness, you’ll also support the local economy. At this point, if you’re up to it, try talking to someone. It might work out.
After the games, you’ll need to get home, but if you’ve been drinking, you can’t drive yourself, so you’ll need to either call a friend (which you most likely don’t have), call a taxi, or take public transportation. Even if you only had a few beers, you still can’t drive. Seriously. I would suggest taking the bus, but if Scott Walker gets his way, those spoiled, rich public bus drivers will have most likely been cut back, so you should probably just call a cab. If you don’t have the number programmed into your phone (and you should), just ask the man or lady behind the bar. This person will tell you. Trust me. This person wants you out of their business. If you don’t have a cell phone, the bar will place the call for you. If you have lost the capability to speak, the bartender will even talk for you. Say thank you and go outside and wait for your taxi, get some rest, and do it all over again the next day. Just go to a different place. You probably embarrassed yourself a little.
That’s it, really. It can be fun, and if you’re lucky, you might even make a few friends. Also, the games are all being shown online, so you could just watch them on your com¬puter. Have fun out there, and be safe. Go Fighting Illini!
Do YOU need words of wisdom? Send your questions to wordsofwisdom@uwmcforum.com!